Your Existence of the Mind is Superfluous
by Anima Flamma
Summary: Update! Lots of falling things, an RV, and VladimirsAngel joins in the fun!
1. Of strikes, baked goods and other issues

And without further adu, a new humor fanfic just for you! ((Look, I rhymed! And just took a whole lotta time!))  
  
Heh. Try and make sense out of /that\ title. I said it to my sister during an argument, and she has yet to get over it. ((lol. she can't figure out what it means!))  
  
Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN NOTHING!  
  
Raziel: -_-; That's a double negative.  
  
So?  
  
Raziel: You don't own /ANYTHING\. Thank Squid for that.  
  
I do too!  
  
Raziel: And neither your sanity nor LoK is yours and you're a rabid fangirl.  
  
... I think so?  
  
Raziel: * nodding sagely* I rest my case.  
  
.......... did I just lose?  
  
Raziel: * wicked grin* Big time. * looks up* Wow. Long Disclaimer.  
  
It wasn't worth it! * leaves to go cry about not owning LoK*  
  
****************************************  
  
The time: Some time before the Head Inquisitor claims Janos's heart for a valentine.  
  
The Place: A random hallway in the Sarafan Stronghold.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Moebius: RAZIEL! TUREL! DUMAH! WHERE ARE YOU?! GET YOUR BUTTS IN HERE! ! WHAT AM I PAYING YOU MINIMUM WAGE FOR?! * to himself* Why did I even bother with a warrior caste? I could have just gotten an attack sluagh, but noooo, warriors were all the rage. RAHAB! ZEPHON! MELCHIAH! GET YOUR LAZY BUTTS IN HERE!!!!  
  
* Turel, Rahab and Melchiah come running. Rahab is dragging Raziel on a dog leash. Dumah follows slower and tipsier while Zephon sneaks around humming "Mission: Impossible." Raziel, while being dragged, is committing acts that would, if he were covered in fur, proclaim him to be rabid*  
  
Turel: * panting* Yes, Lord Moebius?  
  
Moebius: * scowling* It took you long enough to get here! What were you doing?! * Raziel attempts to bite Rahab's leg*  
  
Rahab: * tiredly thwacks Raziel on the back of the head with the leash handle* Sorry, sir. Raziel decided he needed fresh air and bit his holder. We just spent the last half an hour chasing after him.  
  
Melchiah: * tosses Raziel a bone of dubious origin* Aw poor Razzy. You poor thing. * pets Raziel on the head and Raziel does the motor leg thing that dogs do*  
  
Rahab: Sir, have you forgotten it's Raziel's time of the month?  
  
Moebius: That's still no excuse! You're in my pay, and I have a job for you.  
  
Zephon: * from behind a statue* We chose to accept the mission!  
  
Moebius: * blink* Of course you do.  
  
Rahab: * looks at Zephon* Sir, if you would fill us in about what you desire us to do...  
  
Moebius: The vampires have gone on strike. They refuse to bake for the Guardians' bake sale. The demands their union leader is making would drive us under! I want you to go and "reason" with him.  
  
Turel: What do you mean, sir?  
  
Moebius: I want you to KILL him!  
  
Turel: * pale* /Kill\?! * recovers* Of course sir. Your wish is my command.  
  
Dumah: * glares cross-eyed just left of Turel* You idiot, he said /drill\, not /kill\. Lord Moebius obviously wants us to adopt him as our new recruit.  
  
Turel: * very much relieved* Oh, so long as we don't have to kill him.  
  
Moebius: I meant kill! Kill! With a "k"! I don't care how you do it! Boil him, drown him, bash him in the head, I just want the deed done!  
  
Zephon: * throws a bomb at Moebius, and Moebius catches it* This message will self-destruct in 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... * all realize what Moebius is holding. The Sarafan run*  
  
Moebius: Oh, sh- *the bomb explodes*  
  
* outside*  
  
Rahab: There's a slight problem.  
  
Turel: * happy* Really? I guess then we can't kill him, then. I'll just return to Lord Moebius and tell him that we tried our hardest-  
  
Raziel: ggrnowl! * attempts to "anoint" Rahab's leg ((think fire hydrant))*  
  
Melchiah: * Rahab kicks Raziel and hands the leash to him* Yea! You're a good Razzy, yes you are!  
  
Rahab: * to Melchiah* Don't encourage him. * in general* We don't know the union leader's name.  
  
Dumah: * holding his head* Who cares. Let's just kill all the vampires we come across like we always do. Maybe we can find a bar on the way.  
  
Zephon: * behind a tree humming "Mission: Impossible"* Off we go!  
  
* Raziel kills the tree*  
  
Rahab: * hangs his head and sighs* Why me?  
  
****************************************  
  
And that's the first chapter. It's short, but the next one will be longer. It'llll come sometime. *helpful* Reviews will make me update faster!! And for each review, you get a kiss from Razi-boy!  
  
Raziel: * strapped down* Remind me why I'm in an electrocution chair.  
  
I couldn't find the straitjacket.  
  
Raziel: ... 


	2. Let your consciences be your guide!

The second chappy is up now! And VladimirsAngel has joined me in writing this lovely piece of work. ^^ All review responses will get their own chapter...eventually. And furthermore- *deep breath*  
  
Razi: *clonks AF* On with the story!  
  
...  
  
****************************************  
  
When we last left our ... erm, they can't be considered heroes, anyway, when we last left them, there were standing around, trying to figure out who the union leader is so they can make it a "was".  
  
Rahab: * holding his head* Alright, let's go over this one more time. What do we know?  
  
Turel: * the tone of the tattler we all know and want to cream* Zephon blew up Lord Moebius.  
  
Rahab: * mutters* Brown-noser.  
  
Zephon: * behind a tree* It's a conspiracy!  
  
Dumah: * wincing at the bright cheery sunlight* I've got a hangover.  
  
Raziel: Growl-shnaral! * kills a rock*  
  
Melchiah: Aw, you poor thing. You must be so bored. Fetch. * throws a stick*  
  
Rahab: Watch where you throw that stick!  
  
Zephon: * nailed by said stick* Conspiracy! *Raziel attacks him*  
  
Melchiah: Good boy Razi! Kill him!  
  
Dumah: Does anyone have some aspirin?  
  
Rahab: * wades into the "fight" between Raziel and Zephon* Back! Back I said! * smacks Raziel with a newspaper*  
  
Raziel: GGGGGRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH! * kills newspaper*  
  
Rahab: * looking to the sky* It would take divine intervention to get this mission going!  
  
* a bolt of lightning strikes the ground in front of the bickering Sarafan. A young woman appears. She has silver hair with blue streaks, black lips, a long tail with a triangular blade tip, 2 pairs of horns, spikes down her back and tail, and six dragon wings*  
  
Sarafan: O.o  
  
???: ...  
  
Sarafan: ...  
  
???: ...Well?  
  
Turel: Are you ... an angel?  
  
???: * rolls her eyes* No.  
  
Dumah: What the fu-  
  
Rahab: * cuts in* Excuse me miss, but what ARE you?  
  
???: My name is Demure, and the authoress sent me to get you going.  
  
Sarafan: ...?  
  
Demure: * sigh* I'm a lightning daemon created by the authoress for rping. She's using me for the purpose of moving this fic along, 'cause she's currently occupied dealing with an "angel" right now.  
  
Sarafan: ....  
  
Turel: ... I knew she was an angel!  
  
Demure: ...okay... * sighs and mutters* If you hadn't told me it'd be fun soon, I would've refused. Then you would've been stuck using that psycho pyro werewolf. * to the sky* You owe me for this!  
  
Zephon: * hooked to an IV* Finally a sexy sidekick! All good agents get their own. I finally proved myself! Daytime TV hasn't lied to me!  
  
Dumah: * glares at Zephon* I saw her first!  
  
Zephon: Did not!  
  
Dumah: Did too!  
  
Rahab: How will you help us? Besides sending them to an insane asylum.  
  
Demure: * laughs* I'm to tell you the leader of the union is Janos Audren. * give Rahab a kiss on the check and leaves the same way she came*  
  
Rahab: * hand to his check and looking slightly singed* Wow. * pause* Will someone restart my heart please? *collapses*  
  
Melchiah: * runs over and pressed the pads to Rahab's chest* CLEAR! *b-ZAP*  
  
Dumah: I wanted her!  
  
Zephon: What are you talking about?! She was mine! *Dumah grabs his IV pole and begins to beat him with it*  
  
Melchiah: * wants in on the fun too* Sic 'em Razi!  
  
Zephon: O.o * runs away*  
  
Raziel: Girll-sharlup! * search and destroy!* (( Anyone else seen the anime Hellsing?))  
  
Deep-Scary-Voice-From-Above-The-Sky: I can't believe you're allowed to do this. Give me that! * sounds of an argument and fight*  
  
* suddenly, a box of popcorn comes falling through a hole in the sky*  
  
Lady's-(('cause I'm a lady, that's why))-Voice-From-The-Sky: NNOOOOOOOOO! Not my popcorn! Razi, you'll pay for that!  
  
*bolt of lightning follows popcorn and the vamps can hear the sound of someone laughing*  
  
Voice of VladimirsAngel: Raz! Fetch popcorn!  
  
Raz: *snarls, picks up popcorn box in his mouth and worries it*  
  
Dumah: *determined to get a woman out of this if it kills him* She's mine!  
  
Zephon: Oh yeah? *raises IV stand threateningly*  
  
Dumah: *raises his eyes to the heavens and falls to his knees* I love you, Mysterious Lady!  
  
Voice of VladimirsAngel: *snidely* Smeg off, dog-food-face.  
  
Raz: *yelps and whimpers*  
  
Melchiah: What's up with him?  
  
Raz: *sits up and begs*  
  
*VladimirsAngel appears *~bamf~* in a cloud of purple smoke a la Nightcrawler. She is a tall feral-looking girl with arching pale blue angel's wings and wolf's ears poking up through her copper hair. Her eyes are yellow and slit-pupilled, her hands and feet are clawed, and she is currently wearing an all-in-one black leather cat-suit.*  
  
Raz: *pants and drops popcorn at her feet*  
  
VladimirsAngel: *pats him on the head* Good boy, Razi.  
  
Turel: *master of stating the obvious* Now she's definitely an angel.  
  
Rahab: *clears his throat, obviously about to speak*  
  
Melchiah: *trying to be prepared, in case anyone gets kissed again* CLEAR! *zaps himself with the paddles and falls over*  
  
Rahab: *slightly nervous* Are you another agent of the Authoress? 'Cause we're in enough trouble already...  
  
VladimirsAngel: Not to worry, boys, I'm just here to make sure you quit fighting amongst yourselves and get your a**es in gear. Janos is the one you're after. I can make sure you find him.  
  
Dumah: *who is never going to win prizes for smart* Why should we trust you?  
  
*The Angel grins, revealing pointed fangs*  
  
VladimirsAngel: Razi?  
  
*Raz does that cute I'm-a-puppy, I'm-listening-oh-master thing*  
  
VladimirsAngel: Get him.  
  
Rahab: *to a background cacophony of snarling and screaming* Ah. Well. Okay then. We're going.  
  
*He hurries onwards, dragging Melchiah and Turel with him. Zephon lingers behind*  
  
VladimirsAngel: Zephon?  
  
Zephon: *caught* Uh-huh.  
  
VladimirsAngel: Just so you know. I will never sleep with you. Ever.  
  
Voice-From-The-Sky: *chuckling* Yeah. Her heart belongs to Daddy.  
  
VladimirsAngel: *shaking her fist at the heavens* I told you not to say anything, A.F.!  
  
Voice-From-The-Sky: *whistles innocently*  
  
*Zephon trips Dumah up as he runs past screaming - VladimirsAngel grabs Raz by the collar*  
  
Raz: Yipe! *chokes and pulls* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....  
  
Zephon: *confused* What? She's in love with your father?  
  
Voice-From-The-Sky: Not mine, you idiot. Yours.  
  
Zephon: with Kain? *considers* Ugh.  
  
VladimirsAngel: *defensively* He was very good-looking when he was younger.  
  
*She boots Zephon in the butt and they both head off after Rahab and the others, Raz (for once) seeming on his best behavior*  
  
*Raz suddenly goes ballistic*  
  
Dumah: *sulking* Just smack him so we can get going.  
  
Deep-Scary-Voice-From-the-Sky: So, you want to join them so bad? I'll help! *sounds of a scuffle*  
  
Voice-From-The-Sky: No! Not like that! Muses aren't supposed to do that! Nooooooo!  
  
*AF falls to the ground. She's an average height with black dragon wings and silver horns poking out of her patchwork brown-blond hair. She has green eyes with cats' pupils. Her hands are also clawed, and clothing consists of ripped jeans and a black tank top. Let's not forget the spiked demon tail*  
  
Turel: *again being oh-so-obvious* Look! A demon!  
  
AF: *hugging the ground like it's a long lost rich relative about to croak* I was the authoress, until /someone/ kicked me out. When I find blue boy... *growls*  
  
Zephon: Will you bear my children? *AF thwacks him*  
  
Rahab: I think something's wrong...  
  
Dumah: Two lovely ladies. I must be in heaven. *tries to grope VladimirsAngel*  
  
VladimirsAngel: *snarls and smacks his hand away* Paws off, chubby, if you value your cojones! *reaches out a hand to help AF up* Hey...you okay?  
  
AF: *takes the offered hand and, still grumbling gains her feet* Damn Muses and their goddamn sense of humor...  
  
VladimirsAngel: *sympathetic* So you're a fellow muse sufferer. I feel for you, really I do. *sees Dumah trying his luck again and flares one wing to thwack him in the face* What'd I just tell you, Sparky?!  
  
Raz: *rolling on his back in vast amusement* snnnrrrrr....ha ha ha....grrrrrraaagh....  
  
Rahab: *to AF* Excuse me...but is this supposed to be happening? I thought we were off to deal with Janos... *he eyes the Angel's wings suspiciously*  
  
VladimirsAngel: And you can stop looking at me like that. I'm not a vampire.  
  
Rahab: *looks at the demonic AF* Are-  
  
AF: *snicker* No. We're you consciences. Let your consciences be your guide! *to V.A.* Would you like to help or hinder their little jaunt? Or to put it this way, would you like them to kill Janos or no? Cause if you don't mind, I'll be anti-Janos. *mutters about how he's too good to be true*  
  
Dumah: *tries to grope AF* Will you be mine? *he meets Mr. Ground via AF's fist*  
  
Zephon: * to VladimirsAngel* Will you bear my children?  
  
Raziel: *still laughing* Grrrr ha haha slariup gris grr.  
  
AF: *throws rock at Raziel* You take that back! VladimirsAngel is being nice to even though your current Sarafan form looks like you've got ugly sticks jammed into every orifice! *AF is flattened by a falling couch*  
  
Annoying-Muse-Who-Just-Happens-To-Be-Listening-In-From-the-Sky: Woops! How did that happen?  
  
Turel: Is that God?  
  
AF: No, blue boy just thinks he is. *the couch is followed by a computer* #%^& IT!  
  
Turel: *dancing around* She said a bad word! Ooooo! I'm telling!  
  
Blue-Boy-in-Blue-Sky: I /thought/ I forgot something... *Turel is flattened by a microwave*  
  
VladimirsAngel: *smug* That's what you get for wanting to kill Janos. *waves upwards* Cheers, blue-babe!  
  
Voice-From-The-Sky: No problem, Angel.  
  
VladimirsAngel: *continuing* And no, for the last time, I'm not bearing anyone's children!...*to AF* Are they always like this?  
  
Turel: *weakly, from under the microwave* divine intervention...wow...  
  
AF: *long-suffering, picking bits of computer out of her hair* Pretty much. And killing Janos is very much still on the menu.  
  
VladimirsAngel: *pouts* But the wings. The be-yew-tiful wings...*swoons briefly - Zephon tries to grab her and Raz bites him on the ankle*  
  
Raz: grrrrrrrr.....wingbite....grrrrr  
  
Rahab: *startled* Was that an actual word from Sarafan-boy?  
  
Raz: ggrrrrrrr.  
  
AF: You're all Sarafan! Dumah, Zephon, if you come near me, I'll move your deaths forward.  
  
*the perverted duo take a step back, whistling*  
  
AF: *to V.A.* Of course he's got gorgeous wings, but so does Razi, melted or not! There is plenty of things wrong with him! He can't fight for one thing, and he trapped Razi in the Reaver!  
  
Voice-in-the-Sky: ...Hey! That's right!  
  
Rahab: *muttering* If she's like this normally, I'd hate to see- *is flattened by a familiar looking car*  
  
Voice-in-the-Sky: No one mocks her but me!  
  
AF: It's nice, but could we have something that would fit all of us?  
  
*a big shadow covers the group. VladimirsAngel and AF fly a short distance. A whistling sound is heard, and a RV flattens the Sarafan*  
  
Sarafan: Ow...  
  
AF: *hands keys to VladimirsAngel* Can you drive? I tried once, and I'm sticking to passenger. I near major accident is enough.  
  
VladimirsAngel: OOh! *grabs keys and leaps for the RV* wouldn't give ME my license eh? I'll show 'em...  
  
Melchiah: *somewhere else* I'll get revenge on those two for taking my pet away! Nuhahahaha! *cough cough*  
  
**************************************** Review! Reviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreviewreview!  
  
Razi: -_-;;; Are you done yet?  
  
^^ Review!!  
  
Razi: ARGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! 


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